Testin' and Drinkin'

I had a welding test this week, and I need to say that i've come to the conclusion that im not drinking enough. Sure, i did a swell job of my welding test, and earned another feather to stick in my hat, but FUCK ME do i need to drink more.

when i give a shit about doing well, tests make me SICK. it was horrible, i was sick to my stomach, couldnt sleep the night before, knees hurt, shaky.... and i couldnt stop shitting. let me tell you, its not like it was in welding school. in welding school we just drank lunch, came back and did our tests.

on that note, we come to my delicious scheme. welders should be drinking at work. yes drinking at work. welders weld better when they're drunk. my experience at school was that i could get about 10% better marks on welding tests just by drinking. and it wasnt just me. by the end of the year, everyone in my class was wandering over to the bar for a couple beers at lunch. we even scientifically tested how much booze was enough booze.

thats a lie. we didnt test scientifically. we just drank a lot and figured out that 2.5 beers was the right amount. give or take a bit. since then, i've seen nothing to suggest my conclusion is wrong. when i'm welding on my own time, my best work occurs at about then, sorta like how some people get really good at playing pool right before they get too drunk to do it without closing one eye to line up the shot. I completely advocate alcohol in the construction work place.

whether you like it or not, this shit is true. booze calms your ass down, makes you mellow and smooths out hand shaking. when reaction time isnt an issue it improves your eye hand coordination (to a point, then it does the opposite, they tell me, i dont believe them myself). it also dulls pain, so when a spark lands on the back of your neck, you dont jump as much.

for these reasons, in addition to my unhealthy love of bourbon, scotch, wine and beer, and my belief that those poor booze companies need all the support they can get, i now advocate alcohol as an excellent additive to any workplace.

PLEASE NOTE: NEVER CONSUME ALCOHOL AND WORK. EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU BETTER...